Why do bad things always happen around the holidays, aren't they supposed to be good and special? Every year somehow it always gets ruined. This year looks just the same. My dad will either be out of the picture, or in it destroying it.

He's up in Warren right now in the hospital. Mom committed him again, he was talking extra crazy so his parents talked to my mom and the decision was made to do it again. This time for a longer time and they'll very possibly 303 him. Which means they'll keep him longer. There's even been talk that he may have to go to Warren State Hospital.

He cried to me before I left the house to go to my grams. Something was odd, more odd than usual. Mom told me she thought he was gonna kill himself that day. Either way he ended up in the hospital. There's nothing physically wrong with him, but mentally...

I can't even begin to describe how bad it is now. I cried so hard when I had to hug him goodbye in the hospital. He had to go back to his room early because he was acting up (pointing fingers and grabbing my mom) so he left again....I haven't seen him since then. The only thing I remember thinking while hugging him, is "why?" Life is taking my dad far away from me, so far he may never come back. You don't even know how bad this is.

He really believes the conspiracy in his head is real. He believes that the neighbors are all watching him and plotting against him and everyone around him "knows"

My daddy is a good person, to see this happen breaks my heart into so many pieces it'll never go back together right. I've given up on ever having my dad hold me and rub my back in the recliner while I fall asleep in his lap and arms. I'll probably never win or lose another game of checkers with him. I'll probably never be able to happily and willingly go grocery shopping with him. I guess I lost my dad again, this time it looks like it's for good.

Not many people come out of this state of mind. He really believes all this, he believes it with every last fiber of his being. I think he's schitzophrenic personally. But I don't know, I guess we'll find out sooner or later. Life just likes to fuck me over again and again.

Haha I can't sing but Happy Holidays

So let me tell you about my Thanksgiving. I slept until about 11am, I roll out of bed and head downstairs. Looking into the kitchen, the object on the counter makes me freeze in my tracks.  It wasn't surprising, or disappointing ...it just pissed me off. Know what it was, it was a beer can. My jerk off father had the balls to drink, and a lot, on Thanksgiving.

Good job dad, just screw up the holidays every damn year.

So I run upstairs get dressed, call my grandma and call her to come get me. I took Duncan with me but it turns out her Thanksgiving was ass too. She had invited other family members to come eat, had everything all set out, and yanno what, they blew her off. Oh but here's the fun part, it was my dad's parents, doesn't that just say something wonderful?

So I help her clean up and try to make her feel better. Well then I decide to go see some friends down town, she didn't like that idea. My dad calls and makes her cry, because at this point he's just wasted as hell. So I hug her, tell her I love her, and walk down town.

But by the time I get there my friend is gone so I sit alone at the corner of family video. I eventually went home.

My dads stupid dinner never got finished. I went to sleep early. All night he just yelled at my mom and kept us both awake.

Fuck you daddy, you'll rot in hell for this.

So my mom and I went to the coffee shop today with my aunt, it was very pleasant and I enjoyed it very much.

We started moving the rest of my stuff downstairs today.

So my dad decided to act like nothing happened and help.

I turn to him and say "Last night is NOT to happen again since I'm down here, I will not tolerate your screaming when I'm trying to sleep anymore."

Then a little while later I told him to call my Grandma and apologize, of course he said "I will." And I can tell he's ashamed, and he should be.

I'm not done though, oh no. I want him to feel as much guilt as he can, I want him to drown in it.

Fucking bastard.

God I'm pissed. I'm doing really good in all my classes except for World Studies I , it's just the same shit as in World Studies II >=(  but the answers are harder to find, ftw.

So my mom usually does those for me.

I got an incomplete on my reportcard for that class because I failed the last submission I had to do, I tried redoing it like 4 times. Still no luck. SO

I email the teacher and asked what questions I got wrong. YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID TO ME?

SORRY I DON'T GIVE THAT INFORMATION OUT, JUST LOOK OVER ANY OF THE ONES YOU WEREN'T SURE OF!!

Okay dick head, I'm not sure of ANY of them. And yanno what else,  SCREW YOU ALL OFF DICK HEAD I HOPE YOU BURN IN AN ETERNAL INFERNO D<

But other than that my grades are the best they've been in 3 years.

I fuckin hate people.

Aside from that my cousin is back in the hospital, his white blood cell count is .1 D= , not good at all. I'm so worried. God I hope he makes it through this. Things aren't looking good at all, be strong Aiden!

It's finally snowing outside. It's pretty.

I have my AC on though, it's really hot upstairs for some reason.

I made some artsy fartsy shit, I'll put it under a cut, check it out...

Man I dneno. I need to do something interesting.

<3 Mark

First off, my cousin has a carepage on some website, if any of you would like to see just drop a comment and I'll instruct you there

It's updates are probably more in depth than anything I'll give but here's what I can provide from the page.



So anyway, life has been the same. My UTI is still there but I now have some good ol medication. Yay me, should be gone here soon.

I'm blowing off all of my work for classes right now, they're boring and I wanna do something more fun.
I went to customize my lj moods n it died n didn't save so I have to upload like a bagillion more things again, trying to get cute Dethklok moods XD



Dethklok obsession still running it's course. Obviously.

I went to see Aiden today, he's doing very well  good to see. He might be able to come home today. That is until his next treatment of chemo, then it's back to Buffalo.

Now. Marky.

I was talking to my mom in the car about crappy names and I said I didn't like mine. She said she wanted to name me Marky Renae but my dad would have none of it.
Nobody I've brought it up to likes it, but you know what screw them. I like it. So my mom asked me if I'd rather be called Marky, n I said yes. This doesn't mean I'm getting a legal name change but I get to be Marky.

Although I would like to talk to them about really getting it changed. I like Marky Renae better. It's cuter and not common. That and my dad picks poopy names.

So I'm laying here.

Forget looking at the screen I got my head on the bed and my  eyes closed so don't expect a lot.

I took a sleeping pill to make it go away. To make my skin stop crawling. I'm beat. I just want to curl up in bed but I can't.

I need to rant. It's been so  long.

I don't know what life is doing. I don't like it.

My baby cousin has cancer. My dad is nothing but trouble. My mom...mom. My sister moved. And would you look at me,Ha hell, I'm falling asleep while typing this. I guess I should hit the bricks.

Not that i want to, I just want to ooooooooooooerk                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
====

Okay, so I fell asleep while I was typing XD I slept until morning so go me. I figure I could go ahead and continue the entry. I'm not feeling like such shit though so I'm sure it'll be different.

Life hates my face, hives, UTI, cold, period...I mean damn all at once?!! That's brutal and it sucks.

Since I've last updated we found out my 3 year old cousin has cancer in his lungs and bones. He's been pretty good though. He's in the hospital a lot but the chemo is helping, I'm going up to see him later today (if everything goes as planned).

So while I was zonking last night I was so tuned in when Metalocalypse was on XD, it was weird cos I was like sleeping but not and it was just whoa. I'm obsessed again, not that it's a bad thing, not even uncommon.

My Johnny is unhappy n I deno what to do, it makes me so unhappy to know he's so miserable. I've got faith that he'll be able to get back on his feet though.

My dad is still living with us since there was this whole suicide thing with me. I've been away from lj enough that anyone who reads these has no idea what I'm talking about. But I had a break down.

I'm okay now though I've got a psychologist and a psychiatrist and some new medication to go along with my Effexor .

I spent my Halloween with Jermi, it was fun until I got the news about my cousin.

My sister finally moved out with her ex ex boyfriend, Joe. So they have their own place in Olean, NY. I stayed once. Pretty nice place.

In a nutshell everything is as it should be.

I'm gonna post some art so take a look if you will.

A couple of meaningless things before I rant on.

My pink dye came out for the most part.

I get my bunny Friday.

We're going in to bitch at the school tomorrow.

And I'm bored like mad. So here's the rant. FORWARD MINIONS FORWARD



It's the fourth of July, I expected it would be lame. But I didn't know it would be quite so lame.

I've been up since last night, my mom's been up since 4am. She's cried today. She's been miserable.

My dad said he wanted a divorce and that he threw all our stuff outside and if we wanted it to come pick it up off the lawn.

My dad disgusts me, how dare he call himself a father. He's a pathetic excuse for a damn father.

All my life I've tried to believe, things WILL get better, and they haven't gotten any goddamn better, it's gotten worse.

And very few people know what it's like, sure other people are worse off...but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Nobody should have to go through life doubting themselves and their motives.

I want to be happy, but maybe I wont be able to achieve that until I'm free on my own.

Life always seems to rain on my parade.

But you know what, life can suck my balls. I have a wonderful mother, and wonderful siblings, and although few, I've got some really great friends.

They've all stuck by me through thick n thin, the nice n the ugly, the darkness n light, the bad and the good, and I've never really said thank you to any of them.

Thank you, half of them wont see this sadly, not many people read my journals.

But Thank you.

Most days I lay in bed asleep, or playing video games. Some days I spend with my awesome friends...other days are bad days.

I can stand boring.

But bad days make me doubt everything about life and about myself.

I want to leave this shit hole town some day, and hopefully I will.

Even if I don't have what it takes to be a model, I've still got my skills with some paper and whatever makes lines.

Something has to take me somewhere you know?!

I'm not a hard worker, but if I need to be I can be, I'm not polite but if I need to be I can be, I'm not sympathetic but if I need to be I can be.

Life's a horrible little crack whore bitch, I hate it but I try to endure. Because although my dad situation may never get better, there are other things.

So life's been life, complete with ups and downs.

I sprained my foot last week. Haha, it hurt like a bitch but I'm finally able to limp around on it so it's all good. It's been turning some disturbing colors XD, it makes it look like it's gonna rot off. It's kinda interesting.

Well now that I'm injured Duncan is all better. Beau had beat him up really bad and more than anything his spirit was broken. That was the last straw for Beau though, we got him fixed. Hopefully that helps, I'd hate to see him get put down. I love Beau but he's an ass.

Cheshire is finally home with me. My fat little bitch face ^.^

My dad is still drinking. He claims he misses us but he must not miss us that bad if he wont give up. Whatever though, I try to mentally prepare myself for whatever life throws at me. Sometimes I'm ready sometimes I'm not.

A good example of not being ready is my report card coming ... I think I failed. That's odd because I was doing fine in all but two of my classes. My mom is gonna call and find out what the hell is up so kudos to her. The whole thing makes me cry I hate it. It's not my fault they didn't explain things right off the bat.

Our school district is ridiculous. I can't wait to graduate. Unlike most teenagers I actually give a damn about my education, I have a hell of a time keeping up with it but I try.

It seems all my friends like to disappear on the same week leaving me with nothing to do. Jermi is in SC and Molly was in Arkansas, they'll both be home soon enough though. Rikki is here but it's hard to do anything with her because of my foot. We usually walk around and well I can't do that. Those three are really the only people I associate with, which is alright with me, I love them all to death.

I can't wait til' they get back. It's been boring with nothing to do. Although I suppose that might be a good thing because of the foot. So I guess it keeps me off that.

Brenda took good care of me while I was there, she's like my second mommy it's glorious.

For some reason I've really been itching to go shopping. Hopefully I can hold off until my birthday. Speaking of which I wonder if I'll get to see my niece and nephew seeing as to my niece has the same birthday as me. She'll be 5 and I'll be 15...10 years apart.

Well enough rambling...

Stefi Monster

Totally bored, gotta go see some douche bag about my schooling today, gay shit yanno. I can't believe I got kicked out, my mom's gonna kill me. Molly's finally over, we don't do much but it's still fun....I guess lol.

So I got booted from my online schooling, because I wasn't consistant enough. I'm not happy in the least bit, I wanna see my friend really friggin' bad but her mom's being a douche. I'm tellin' ya it's just cos she doesn't like me.

Whatever, I hate people. I'm tired of the same lame shit.

Anyway, Molly is supposed to be coming over either tomorrow or Wed. . I've been having some trouble with my schooling so I'm pretty pissed off.

I slept all day today, for some reason I just couldn't stay awake.

Whatever though.

I'm prob'ly gonna go back to sleep now.

Alright, so things are finally settling down in our happy little bum fucked home. There's still tension between my mom and my sister, they'll deny it but I can tell.

I sucked up to make my mom happy, it seemed to work. Last night she called me fat, I couldn't tell if she was serious or not though =S . Either way, it still hurt.

I can't sleep, I got up at six thirty but I went to bed at like two am. I can't get back to sleep. I tried taking a shower n it didn't help, I feel ill.

I'm still bummed that I can't go to my friends birthday party, my mom still doesn't want me to. She says I'm -l a z y- and she's right.

I burnt my face using the deep fryer last night, o.O it hurt...a lot.

I guess my dad and I are gonna watch The Omen, LOL scary movie at 7:30am that seems a little off. I usually don't watch scary things til' late.

I can't wait til' summer, even though the heat will indeed kill me, everything is just more fun in the summer. MORE NAKED TIME.

Been watching this yuri show Strawberry Panic, it's pretty cute. YAY girls kissing. Yaoi and Yuri, two of the best things of life =D.

I think Milkshake belongs to the neighbors, someone called asked about a cat, and hung up.

I really don't care, I love that kitty, and unless someone comes to get her personally, then I'm not doing a damn thing about it.

K well, I'm bored and quite tired - not that I'm going to sleep -
I'm Out

Okay, so today's been pretty much crap. My mom's not happy, nobody in this house is happy.

I don't know what the hell is wrong, but it's not making me happy.

I missed work cos of my mom, n she made it my fault.

So now I need to call Stacy n say what, "Sorry I didn't show up, my mom doesn't wanna communicate with anyone, so I didn't have a ride" Mrg, I've got a headache.

I've been popping too many pills, mostly sleeping pills, which I don't need, they just help calm me to the max, I have to get some from my grammy, she has a bunch that she don't take.

Speaking of pills, my mom's been off her meds, which also explains some of her 'moods'.

I'm trying to make her a bit more chipper by cleaning n huggin'all over her.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to my friends birthday party now, my mom wont talk.

*le sigh* Once again I've screwed up the book cover I've been working on. >.< I'm getting discouraged.

I wanna go to friggin' Canada, I've been there a lot but I wanna go see a friend (whomiwouldtotallymolest), she's radtacular.

Molly is supposed to be coming over next week, now that I don't have to ask my mom about, she's like my family so I don't care what my mom says.

But Noo, I can't go to the party cos' I don't have a ride n I don't even know if my mom will let me go.

I don't know why, but when I bring it up she just ignores me, I don't know...she's already pissed at everyone...I don't want it to be me.

Bomb Scare

That's worth a watch, it's friggin' insane.

People are morons.

I missed work today, it's cos my mom didn't friggin' wake me up. Not that I'm complaining, but she's gonna be bitchy.

Just what I need, I didn't get to go to the doctors today. Although I don't like doctors, I need new meds. IM DYING, christ.

WHATS THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, IS THAT A PIECE OF BULLSHIT!