Marky's Secret Apocalypse

Xmas time ho

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 18:22:16 GMT

1. I like home made things
2. seeds...like..plant seeds. I like to grow shit
3. cards, letters idc
4. hats
5. belly button ring 14 gauge
6. parfum
7. make up
8. bright jewelry <3
9. I don't care
10. I don't care

My address is:

Marky Renae
352 Bolivar Dr.
Bradford PA 16701

Email:

Zombie-pie@hotmail.com

Please include your LJ username and your return address too. ♥
Thanks! ^^

you seriously do not have to do this but a card or letter would be sweet!

Original rules for wishlist:

STEP ONE
- Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whateveryou're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your listof 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just forme") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I wantfor Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is,make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- Ifyou wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's youraddress or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves)could get in touch with you. [Note: Your home address is not required!]

-Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ,or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy willspread.

STEP TWO
- Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted theirlist. And now here's the important part:

- If you see a wish youcan grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish cometrue. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you havea leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless youwant to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone achance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call. There are no guarantees with this project, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might
come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

I knew it would never last

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 17:59:14 GMT

Why do bad things always happen around the holidays, aren't they supposed to be good and special? Every year somehow it always gets ruined. This year looks just the same. My dad will either be out of the picture, or in it destroying it.

He's up in Warren right now in the hospital. Mom committed him again, he was talking extra crazy so his parents talked to my mom and the decision was made to do it again. This time for a longer time and they'll very possibly 303 him. Which means they'll keep him longer. There's even been talk that he may have to go to Warren State Hospital.

He cried to me before I left the house to go to my grams. Something was odd, more odd than usual. Mom told me she thought he was gonna kill himself that day. Either way he ended up in the hospital. There's nothing physically wrong with him, but mentally...

I can't even begin to describe how bad it is now. I cried so hard when I had to hug him goodbye in the hospital. He had to go back to his room early because he was acting up (pointing fingers and grabbing my mom) so he left again....I haven't seen him since then. The only thing I remember thinking while hugging him, is "why?" Life is taking my dad far away from me, so far he may never come back. You don't even know how bad this is.

He really believes the conspiracy in his head is real. He believes that the neighbors are all watching him and plotting against him and everyone around him "knows"

My daddy is a good person, to see this happen breaks my heart into so many pieces it'll never go back together right. I've given up on ever having my dad hold me and rub my back in the recliner while I fall asleep in his lap and arms. I'll probably never win or lose another game of checkers with him. I'll probably never be able to happily and willingly go grocery shopping with him. I guess I lost my dad again, this time it looks like it's for good.

Not many people come out of this state of mind. He really believes all this, he believes it with every last fiber of his being. I think he's schitzophrenic personally. But I don't know, I guess we'll find out sooner or later. Life just likes to fuck me over again and again.

Happy early Holidays

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 13:40:29 GMT

Haha I can't sing but Happy Holidays

I want to scream, I want you out of my life, fuck you dad, FUCK YOU

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 00:40:11 GMT

So let me tell you about my Thanksgiving. I slept until about 11am, I roll out of bed and head downstairs. Looking into the kitchen, the object on the counter makes me freeze in my tracks. It wasn't surprising, or disappointing ...it just pissed me off. Know what it was, it was a beer can. My jerk off father had the balls to drink, and a lot, on Thanksgiving.

Good job dad, just screw up the holidays every damn year.

So I run upstairs get dressed, call my grandma and call her to come get me. I took Duncan with me but it turns out her Thanksgiving was ass too. She had invited other family members to come eat, had everything all set out, and yanno what, they blew her off. Oh but here's the fun part, it was my dad's parents, doesn't that just say something wonderful?

So I help her clean up and try to make her feel better. Well then I decide to go see some friends down town, she didn't like that idea. My dad calls and makes her cry, because at this point he's just wasted as hell. So I hug her, tell her I love her, and walk down town.

But by the time I get there my friend is gone so I sit alone at the corner of family video. I eventually went home.

My dads stupid dinner never got finished. I went to sleep early. All night he just yelled at my mom and kept us both awake.

Fuck you daddy, you'll rot in hell for this.

So my mom and I went to the coffee shop today with my aunt, it was very pleasant and I enjoyed it very much.

We started moving the rest of my stuff downstairs today.

So my dad decided to act like nothing happened and help.

I turn to him and say "Last night is NOT to happen again since I'm down here, I will not tolerate your screaming when I'm trying to sleep anymore."

Then a little while later I told him to call my Grandma and apologize, of course he said "I will." And I can tell he's ashamed, and he should be.

I'm not done though, oh no. I want him to feel as much guilt as he can, I want him to drown in it.

Fucking bastard.

Fuck you, Cancer, Snow

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:29:17 GMT

God I'm pissed. I'm doing really good in all my classes except for World Studies I , it's just the same shit as in World Studies II >=( but the answers are harder to find, ftw.

So my mom usually does those for me.

I got an incomplete on my reportcard for that class because I failed the last submission I had to do, I tried redoing it like 4 times. Still no luck. SO

I email the teacher and asked what questions I got wrong. YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID TO ME?

SORRY I DON'T GIVE THAT INFORMATION OUT, JUST LOOK OVER ANY OF THE ONES YOU WEREN'T SURE OF!!

Okay dick head, I'm not sure of ANY of them. And yanno what else, SCREW YOU ALL OFF DICK HEAD I HOPE YOU BURN IN AN ETERNAL INFERNO D<

But other than that my grades are the best they've been in 3 years.

I fuckin hate people.

Aside from that my cousin is back in the hospital, his white blood cell count is .1 D= , not good at all. I'm so worried. God I hope he makes it through this. Things aren't looking good at all, be strong Aiden!

It's finally snowing outside. It's pretty.

I have my AC on though, it's really hot upstairs for some reason.

I made some artsy fartsy shit, I'll put it under a cut, check it out...

It's really horrible I know. It didn't take me long so what do you expect.

Man I dneno. I need to do something interesting.

<3 Mark

Cancer, Life, Marky?

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 14:22:57 GMT

First off, my cousin has a carepage on some website, if any of you would like to see just drop a comment and I'll instruct you there

It's updates are probably more in depth than anything I'll give but here's what I can provide from the page.

Aiden's Story

A few months ago Aiden began to start limping and dragging his right leg. Bradford doctors diagnosis was muscle weakness and muscle spasms. Aiden's pediatrician, DR. Miller, referred him to Pittsburgh Children's Hospital to see a neurological doctor; where she did not believe it to be that type of a problem. She thought it to be an orthopedic problem. At Aidens follow up appointment with DR. Miller she ordered a CAT scan. The results from this scan showed a mass in his right hip. DR. Miller referred us to a pediatric oncologist at Women's and Children's Hospital of Buffalo where he is now. DR. Brecher, the lead doctor on Aiden's case, ran his own CAT scan from the neck down. The scan showed that there were nodules in Aidens lungs as well, and that it was one of two possible bone cancers: Ewings Sarcoma or Osteosarcoma. Further testing and biopsy revealed that Aiden has Ewings Sarcoma. Any further information can be found in the updates.

The statistics of survival are 1 in 4, but you know what screw statistics. Be strong Aiden <3

So anyway, life has been the same. My UTI is still there but I now have some good ol medication. Yay me, should be gone here soon.

I'm blowing off all of my work for classes right now, they're boring and I wanna do something more fun.
I went to customize my lj moods n it died n didn't save so I have to upload like a bagillion more things again, trying to get cute Dethklok moods XD

Dethklok obsession still running it's course. Obviously.

I went to see Aiden today, he's doing very well good to see. He might be able to come home today. That is until his next treatment of chemo, then it's back to Buffalo.

Now. Marky.

I was talking to my mom in the car about crappy names and I said I didn't like mine. She said she wanted to name me Marky Renae but my dad would have none of it.
Nobody I've brought it up to likes it, but you know what screw them. I like it. So my mom asked me if I'd rather be called Marky, n I said yes. This doesn't mean I'm getting a legal name change but I get to be Marky.

Although I would like to talk to them about really getting it changed. I like Marky Renae better. It's cuter and not common. That and my dad picks poopy names.

Touch my Bum?

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 11:32:12 GMT

So I'm laying here.

Forget looking at the screen I got my head on the bed and my eyes closed so don't expect a lot.

I took a sleeping pill to make it go away. To make my skin stop crawling. I'm beat. I just want to curl up in bed but I can't.

I need to rant. It's been so long.

I don't know what life is doing. I don't like it.

My baby cousin has cancer. My dad is nothing but trouble. My mom...mom. My sister moved. And would you look at me,Ha hell, I'm falling asleep while typing this. I guess I should hit the bricks.

Not that i want to, I just want to ooooooooooooerk
====

Okay, so I fell asleep while I was typing XD I slept until morning so go me. I figure I could go ahead and continue the entry. I'm not feeling like such shit though so I'm sure it'll be different.

Life hates my face, hives, UTI, cold, period...I mean damn all at once?!! That's brutal and it sucks.

Since I've last updated we found out my 3 year old cousin has cancer in his lungs and bones. He's been pretty good though. He's in the hospital a lot but the chemo is helping, I'm going up to see him later today (if everything goes as planned).

So while I was zonking last night I was so tuned in when Metalocalypse was on XD, it was weird cos I was like sleeping but not and it was just whoa. I'm obsessed again, not that it's a bad thing, not even uncommon.

My Johnny is unhappy n I deno what to do, it makes me so unhappy to know he's so miserable. I've got faith that he'll be able to get back on his feet though.

My dad is still living with us since there was this whole suicide thing with me. I've been away from lj enough that anyone who reads these has no idea what I'm talking about. But I had a break down.

I'm okay now though I've got a psychologist and a psychiatrist and some new medication to go along with my Effexor .

I spent my Halloween with Jermi, it was fun until I got the news about my cousin.

My sister finally moved out with her ex ex boyfriend, Joe. So they have their own place in Olean, NY. I stayed once. Pretty nice place.

In a nutshell everything is as it should be.

I'm gonna post some art so take a look if you will.

This is just a random doodle of Skwisgaar from Metalocalypse, not that good but whatever yanno.

And here we have more Dethklok doodles hehe.
Nathan screaming about fire piss, inspired by my acid fire needle piss from my UTI.
Puppy Toki cos my dogs are inspiring and I wanna practice my furry art.
Random profile of Skwissy cos I deno, I don't like that one at all.
And A MushroomFace because his head looks like a mushroom to me.

Next up is a very blah Toki. I was thinking of that one song by Gorillaz when I was making this so the lyrics fit. I was obviously moody when sketching this out.

This is the last of my Dethklok art, I'm VERY displeased with this one so whatever. I got lazy in the middle of it.

And this is my shoujo-ai MUSH RPC Saddie, I loves her. This isn't the full image however, theres more to it but it wasn't important enough for me so we'll stick with this much. I like the face but not so much the rest.

That's all for my Art Dump =D

<3 Love yall

Voice Post:

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 19:17:05 GMT

Here's my rant

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 22:21:19 GMT

A couple of meaningless things before I rant on.

My pink dye came out for the most part.

I get my bunny Friday.

We're going in to bitch at the school tomorrow.

And I'm bored like mad. So here's the rant. FORWARD MINIONS FORWARD

It's the fourth of July, I expected it would be lame. But I didn't know it would be quite so lame.

I've been up since last night, my mom's been up since 4am. She's cried today. She's been miserable.

My dad said he wanted a divorce and that he threw all our stuff outside and if we wanted it to come pick it up off the lawn.

My dad disgusts me, how dare he call himself a father. He's a pathetic excuse for a damn father.

All my life I've tried to believe, things WILL get better, and they haven't gotten any goddamn better, it's gotten worse.

And very few people know what it's like, sure other people are worse off...but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Nobody should have to go through life doubting themselves and their motives.

I want to be happy, but maybe I wont be able to achieve that until I'm free on my own.

Life always seems to rain on my parade.

But you know what, life can suck my balls. I have a wonderful mother, and wonderful siblings, and although few, I've got some really great friends.

They've all stuck by me through thick n thin, the nice n the ugly, the darkness n light, the bad and the good, and I've never really said thank you to any of them.

Thank you, half of them wont see this sadly, not many people read my journals.

But Thank you.

Most days I lay in bed asleep, or playing video games. Some days I spend with my awesome friends...other days are bad days.

I can stand boring.

But bad days make me doubt everything about life and about myself.

I want to leave this shit hole town some day, and hopefully I will.

Even if I don't have what it takes to be a model, I've still got my skills with some paper and whatever makes lines.

Something has to take me somewhere you know?!

I'm not a hard worker, but if I need to be I can be, I'm not polite but if I need to be I can be, I'm not sympathetic but if I need to be I can be.

Life's a horrible little crack whore bitch, I hate it but I try to endure. Because although my dad situation may never get better, there are other things.

Voice Post

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 06:15:25 GMT

I can't deal with this

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 00:48:44 GMT

This whole this is ridiculous.

I don't know who my mom thinks she's fooling by thinking moving back with my dad is gonna make everything better. This family will never work, ever. We can't even be CALLED a family...this is NOT a family. We never will be we never have been. If I have to move back out here I'll never have a real chance at happiness.

I'm not sure how to deal with the stress anymore. I hate this so much. I just want someone to get me out of this.

Is it too much to ask to go home.

Aparently.

I never wanna come back out here again.

I don't know why I even bother.

I'm so stupid.

Voice Post:

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 08:50:46 GMT

Rainbows and Butterflies

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 08:45:37 GMT

So life's been life, complete with ups and downs.

I sprained my foot last week. Haha, it hurt like a bitch but I'm finally able to limp around on it so it's all good. It's been turning some disturbing colors XD, it makes it look like it's gonna rot off. It's kinda interesting.

Well now that I'm injured Duncan is all better. Beau had beat him up really bad and more than anything his spirit was broken. That was the last straw for Beau though, we got him fixed. Hopefully that helps, I'd hate to see him get put down. I love Beau but he's an ass.

Cheshire is finally home with me. My fat little bitch face ^.^

My dad is still drinking. He claims he misses us but he must not miss us that bad if he wont give up. Whatever though, I try to mentally prepare myself for whatever life throws at me. Sometimes I'm ready sometimes I'm not.

A good example of not being ready is my report card coming ... I think I failed. That's odd because I was doing fine in all but two of my classes. My mom is gonna call and find out what the hell is up so kudos to her. The whole thing makes me cry I hate it. It's not my fault they didn't explain things right off the bat.

Our school district is ridiculous. I can't wait to graduate. Unlike most teenagers I actually give a damn about my education, I have a hell of a time keeping up with it but I try.

It seems all my friends like to disappear on the same week leaving me with nothing to do. Jermi is in SC and Molly was in Arkansas, they'll both be home soon enough though. Rikki is here but it's hard to do anything with her because of my foot. We usually walk around and well I can't do that. Those three are really the only people I associate with, which is alright with me, I love them all to death.

I can't wait til' they get back. It's been boring with nothing to do. Although I suppose that might be a good thing because of the foot. So I guess it keeps me off that.

Brenda took good care of me while I was there, she's like my second mommy it's glorious.

For some reason I've really been itching to go shopping. Hopefully I can hold off until my birthday. Speaking of which I wonder if I'll get to see my niece and nephew seeing as to my niece has the same birthday as me. She'll be 5 and I'll be 15...10 years apart.

Well enough rambling...

Stefi Monster

Still the same

Sun, 06 May 2007 06:32:12 GMT

So nothing's really gotten better for us....(us as in my imediate family). My dad's still drinking still completely psychotic. In fact the psychotic is a lot worse. He cut some wires in his truck cos he thought people were tracking him or something he said something about a gps system or w/e.

All this is killing me. I miss my daddy and I want him to get better. I know the chances of that happening aren't the greatest....and I don't really have much hope of it ever happening. I just wish something in my life would go right for once.

I deno what to do with myself lately, I hang out with my friends all the time now so I don't have to think about my problems. I just want a chance at happiness. Happiness shouldn't be so hard to achieve....it's an important part of life that really makes it worth living and I don't have that.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Life kills me, every day I find myself dying more. I'm not living I'm dying, we're all dying and that's all life is. As soon as your born you begin to die.

=S

I went to stink fest today...yesterday w/e. It was lame but I got to hang out with Jermi n Calvin for awhile. I ran into a bunch of people I haven't seen in ages...it was nice I guess.

I'm tired of life's bullshit.

I know I have people to go to but I don't wanna bother them and drag them into this, they have their own problems.

Ugh.

I wish I could just go to sleep. My head is killing me.

Can something PLEASE just go right, can't something extrodinarily good happen for once...

Life hurts so much.

ALSO, I got put on some different meds so they might help. And since I've gone vegan I've lost 15lbs.

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 17:39:12 GMT

Totally bored, gotta go see some douche bag about my schooling today, gay shit yanno. I can't believe I got kicked out, my mom's gonna kill me. Molly's finally over, we don't do much but it's still fun....I guess lol.

And it's falling again

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 18:03:03 GMT

So I got booted from my online schooling, because I wasn't consistant enough. I'm not happy in the least bit, I wanna see my friend really friggin' bad but her mom's being a douche. I'm tellin' ya it's just cos she doesn't like me.

Whatever, I hate people. I'm tired of the same lame shit.

The death rate flies and the dust settles

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 03:33:16 GMT

Anyway, Molly is supposed to be coming over either tomorrow or Wed. . I've been having some trouble with my schooling so I'm pretty pissed off.

I slept all day today, for some reason I just couldn't stay awake.

Whatever though.

I'm prob'ly gonna go back to sleep now.

As the World Falls down

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 12:43:14 GMT

Alright, so things are finally settling down in our happy little bum fucked home. There's still tension between my mom and my sister, they'll deny it but I can tell.

I sucked up to make my mom happy, it seemed to work. Last night she called me fat, I couldn't tell if she was serious or not though =S . Either way, it still hurt.

I can't sleep, I got up at six thirty but I went to bed at like two am. I can't get back to sleep. I tried taking a shower n it didn't help, I feel ill.

I'm still bummed that I can't go to my friends birthday party, my mom still doesn't want me to. She says I'm -l a z y- and she's right.

I burnt my face using the deep fryer last night, o.O it hurt...a lot.

I guess my dad and I are gonna watch The Omen, LOL scary movie at 7:30am that seems a little off. I usually don't watch scary things til' late.

I can't wait til' summer, even though the heat will indeed kill me, everything is just more fun in the summer. MORE NAKED TIME.

Been watching this yuri show Strawberry Panic, it's pretty cute. YAY girls kissing. Yaoi and Yuri, two of the best things of life =D.

I think Milkshake belongs to the neighbors, someone called asked about a cat, and hung up.

I really don't care, I love that kitty, and unless someone comes to get her personally, then I'm not doing a damn thing about it.

K well, I'm bored and quite tired - not that I'm going to sleep -
I'm Out

For every time you've cried

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 03:23:33 GMT

Okay, so today's been pretty much crap. My mom's not happy, nobody in this house is happy.

I don't know what the hell is wrong, but it's not making me happy.

I missed work cos of my mom, n she made it my fault.

So now I need to call Stacy n say what, "Sorry I didn't show up, my mom doesn't wanna communicate with anyone, so I didn't have a ride" Mrg, I've got a headache.

I've been popping too many pills, mostly sleeping pills, which I don't need, they just help calm me to the max, I have to get some from my grammy, she has a bunch that she don't take.

Speaking of pills, my mom's been off her meds, which also explains some of her 'moods'.

I'm trying to make her a bit more chipper by cleaning n huggin'all over her.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to my friends birthday party now, my mom wont talk.

*le sigh* Once again I've screwed up the book cover I've been working on. >.< I'm getting discouraged.

I wanna go to friggin' Canada, I've been there a lot but I wanna go see a friend (whomiwouldtotallymolest), she's radtacular.

Molly is supposed to be coming over next week, now that I don't have to ask my mom about, she's like my family so I don't care what my mom says.

But Noo, I can't go to the party cos' I don't have a ride n I don't even know if my mom will let me go.

I don't know why, but when I bring it up she just ignores me, I don't know...she's already pissed at everyone...I don't want it to be me.

Bomb Scare

That's worth a watch, it's friggin' insane.

People are morons.

Fckadoodledoo

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 16:37:44 GMT

I missed work today, it's cos my mom didn't friggin' wake me up. Not that I'm complaining, but she's gonna be bitchy.

Just what I need, I didn't get to go to the doctors today. Although I don't like doctors, I need new meds. IM DYING, christ.

WHATS THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, IS THAT A PIECE OF BULLSHIT!

I can play you like a flute

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 19:12:21 GMT

Or not

K so lucky me I get to work tomorrow, grah. I'm not really in the mood for working, not only that but I get to go to the doctors WOO _{I hate doctors}

I'm a busy little person this week, I have to go shopping n get some stuff tomorrow, I need fabric for the doll I wanna make, n something for Jermi x.x

I'm tired and feeling crummy, n a nap sounds really really lovely.

But of course I'm not aloud.

I need to see Molly soon, maybe next week.

I'm really cold, I love the snow though, s'just I just got out of the shower MY NIPPLES ARE NIPPLY :o

I need to draw some stuff x.x

Oh Mah Gad

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 23:56:14 GMT

_{Golly gee wiz, I'm tired. I'm not aloud to go to sleep, cos yanno I sleep too much *Dies*.

So it's 6:51pm, n I've got nothing better to do than sit her n be a moron. How to be a moron, I don't know.

TENSIONS ARE HIGH AND SO AM I. K well no.

Just got through drawing Toki sleepin' lol I'm such a nerd.

So at least I got to hear from moll today, Rad yanno.

S'posed to be going to Jermi's party, hope that all works out...but chano gots to talk to unit one.

So, I feel fat riiiight, yeah riiiight, I've been liek on this eating binge, it's horrible, I'm finally feeling a bit better though. But that's cos I finally got back on my meds.

Yes I've been off my meds, n I've been of my meds for the purpose of being able to sleep like the dead. Life's a bitch nothing better to do with it.

Jebus.}

Tired Bored omgblah

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 15:36:03 GMT

EDIT

SO Molly is ungrounded on the 6th, and she's now aloud on the phone, GOODY SOMEONE TO TALK TO

K, so I've been hella bored. Can't wait til' Molly gets nongrounded.

I have a new obsession, lol METALOCALYPSE, I'm such a dorkling.

I sleep over 16 hours a day, aren't I awesome, actually no it's not awesome.

I had a bitch of an anxiety attack yesterday, goody goody yanno =.=

Lol, totally watching fairly odd parents MWA

I'ma go be retarded see, see , RETARDED

I killed them on the bathroom rug

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 13:20:34 GMT

N it was RLLY fun